I thought I'd heard everything . . .
. . . but I hadn't. A mother casually announced that her 14-year-old daughter "really wanted to get pregnant really bad," so she and her husband thought they would help her, using HIS semen and DIY insemination using a turkey baster.
An elderly woman with scabs on her hands was busy covering them with Wite-Out® correction fluid—the white stuff used to camouflage typing and ink errors. When asked why she would do such a thing, she replied, "It says it gets rid of ink." Go figure.
Another elderly patient, this one a no-code who was intermittently comatose and just days from death, awoke and requested a diet Coke®.